INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1.     Pick up the cat and cradle in crook of left arm as if holding a baby.   With pill in right hand, press each side of cat’s mouth gently with same thumb and forefinger.   As cat opens mouth, pop pill in, then allow cat to close mouth and swallow – retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

2.     Repeat with new pill, holding on to back legs firmly.   Hold mouth shut for count of ten – retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.   Call spouse or other helpful person.

3.     Kneel on floor with cat firmly between knees.   Hold front and rear paws, ignoring loud growling noises.   Helper holds cat’s head firmly, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.   Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously – retrieve cat from curtain rail and get new pill.   Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.   Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

4.     Wrap cat in large towel and get helper to lay on cat, with head just visible below armpit.   Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow – check label to make sure pill non-toxic to humans.   Drink glass of water to take taste away.   Apply elastoplast to helper’s arm and remove blood from carpet with cold water.

5.     Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed and get another pill.   Place cat in cupboard and close door, leaving only head and neck showing.   Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic band – fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.   Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab,   Fetch new T-shirt from bedroom.

6.     Ring Fire Brigade to rescue cat from tree across the road.   Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat and take LAST pill from foil wrap.

7.     Tie cat’s front and rear legs with garden twine and secure to leg of dining table.   Wearing heavy duty pruning gloves, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner.   Push pill in mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak, followed by one pint of water poured down throat – get helper to drive you to Accident and Emergency, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill fragments from right eye.   Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

8.     Contact RSPCA cat-re-housing centre.   Go to pet shop and purchase BUDGIE!!!!!